Self Sabotage

Self sabotage, why do I do it? Why does anyone? Sometimes I get to a point and I just can't sleep, like right now. I get to thinking about stuff and can't stop. Then I worry about it; how is this going to turn out? What if I make this decision? What if I chicken out? That's when the sabotage begins. I dwell... and dwell... and you guessed it, dwell some more. I take forever to make my decisions sometimes and in the end it hurts me more. Sometimes taking forever helps me know that it's right, but it's still hard.

Another way I sabotage myself is when I go through a break up (or think about one) all I want to do is watch chick flicks like The Notebook, The Wedding Date, and Sweet Home Alabama. I listen to break up songs and sometimes I listen to love songs. It gives me some weird hope of finding that someday. I'm just setting myself up to see/hear something so romantic and here I am crying my eyes out over a break up.

I really don't know any other way to make myself feel better, except for writing it all down. You've probably figured out what made me write this and what's keeping me up at such an early hour. It's a hard thing to do and it does deserve some thought. Honestly, I have to say that I probably have given this too much thought. I've been taking my time and consequently I have to deal with that.

What is Love?

Sure any one can describe it. They can describe the emotions they feel and how it makes them physically feel, but who really knows? I am sixteen and I can not wrap my mind around what love is. I am too young to really know or to be in love.

As a girl I've always wanted to be the princess who is rescued by her loyal, charming prince. I wanted my knight in shining armor to whisk me away on his noble stead into the sunset. I cannot possibly speak for every girl, but I can tell you there are lots of us out there like that. It's not that I don't believe in true love, because I do. It's that I don't think high school is the place I'll find my one true love. I'm not saying that it can't happen, because I know it can, but that it doesn't happen often.

I am a sixteen year old girl. I am a writer, a violinist, a journalist, but I am not an expert on love. I have not really been in love nor do I expect it any time soon. True love can occur, but not usually in high school. It took a lot of thought to finally get myself to believe that. I've always been a bit of an optimist, but recently someone has opened my eyes. I can still be optimistic and still dream of my prince charming. Love is something so complicated I doubt I'll ever completely understand.