Hidden Heart

Robert Frost, one of my favorite poets, once said "Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." I definitely understand this, because I've built walls (fences). Walls are great for one thing: keeping yourself locked in. Sure, I see the benefits of being well protected and keeping yourself from feeling too attached or too vulnerable, but there are so many disadvantages. I'm starting to think it's not worth it.

First, locking yourself in also keeps everyone else out. That's obvious, but what you don't realize is that keeping others out, may push them away. It may be unintentional, but they may feel that by being kept out they can't connect to you. As you can see, this is a hindrance on relationships/friendships.

Second, you're hurting yourself. I know that I don't want to end up alone and by hiding behind walls, I could very well end up that way. Plus, walls don't allow true feeling. What's life without a little risk, anyway? Isn't love and friendship worth it in the end?

I feel that by hiding your heart behind walls is ridiculous. I get scared, but I want to take a chance because there is so much I'm missing if I don't. I've been hurt and I know the feeling of "I'm never letting that happening again." That's no way to live, so I'm going to work at it. We can't always be safe, but in the end loving and being hurt is so much better than not ever loving.

Letter to an Amazing Guy

Cameron,

What do I contribute? What is my purpose? These questions are complicated, but I strive to find some kind of answer. I was posed a similar question last night and I can't get it off my mind.

In P.S. I Love you, Gerard Butler says "Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends." Meeting you changed life as I knew it. Life is different now; it's better. You make me feel safe, even if it's just a scary movie or facing my greatest fear. I know I can count on you to protect me, to be there for me, and to make me happy. You give me so much without even realizing it.

I love how you and I have enough similar interests, but also enough differences to make it work. Being with you feels right. Depending on anyone is scary, because of what I've been through, but it's a risk I'm willing to take now. The truth is you mean a lot to me and I don't want that to change. I hope that our paths continue to intertwine together for awhile, because ultimately we both contribute to each other a lot by providing introspection and learning about one another.

For such a complex question, this hardly feels like enough words, though every word I've said is true. Every time I think about you, I realize that our song by Ben Folds is right, "I am the luckiest."

Yours truly,

Ashley

I'm feeling...

Instead of stating how I feel, I want to convey it through a story. I will not obviously state what it is, though there will be several hints. This will be from my character Carmen's point of view. I hope you can all see it similarly to the way I do. If not, I'd love to hear your responses, so leave comments or contact me otherwise. :)

One cold winter day, I walked home along the creek with Raine by my side. I could still hear the whining and moaning from all of my classmates, who complained about their problems. No one had asked about my issues, they all assumed I wanted to hear their babbling. It's not that I had a lot of issues which begged to be discussed. It's just that I felt lost in all of my thoughts like a child lost in a crowd.

As my thoughts consumed me, I kept walking forward until all I felt was an icy chill run through my body. The water crept up past my shoulders and before I could think my head was covered. I reached for Raine, but there was no hand to grab. I tried to scream for help, but I produced no sound. Raine stood at the surface, searching for me. The murky, cold water kept visibility to a minimum, so I swam towards the light. I surfaced and gasped for air.

"Are you okay? Take my jacket," Raine said as he hurriedly took off his jacket.

"I-I'm okay," I stuttered between teeth chattering.

"What was on your mind and had you so intrigued?" Raine got it. Finally, someone had realized. Before I could utter another word he hugged me. "Tell me about it when we get you inside."

So there it is. Tell me what you think!

Relationships = Life Lessons

Not everything in life is love related, though as a girl and a hopeless romantic, love is a large portion. I know Valentine's Day is around the corner, so I feel this blog is appropriate. I'll spare you the heart gushing and get to my point. Relationships, if not always great, are awesome for life lessons. Sure, there is vulnerability and there will be heart-break, but no matter what happens, you can learn something. Not only do we learn about other people, but we learn about ourselves. Relationships teach us how to interact with others and what kind of traits we may be looking for. Love is complicated, so we must be open minded to the lessons it can teach us. I believe love doesn't just magically walk into your life. On the contrary, I do believe by using relationships to learn, love can develop.

Sink or Swim

Debating and deciding, oh those major life-altering decisions. When making decisions, the one thing to consider is to sink or to swim. I've concluded that I want to stand on my own after graduation, and I don't want help. I'll either sink or I'll swim. Swimming is the best option and I will do my best. Also, when considering mlad's you may have to settle until you can find a way to reach a greater goal. Settling might actually turn out even better than your original plan. Start small and work your way to the top when you decide to gain your independence. The world may be big and bad, but you can be tough. Face it, and demand your independence.

Where's home again?

It took me staying out of my house for six days to realize that home is always home. I mean that no matter how far I stray or how long I'm away, I can go home and feel safe. I believe it's true that home is where the heart is. Home is about being around people who love you and feeling protected. I know that no matter how bad things can get, there is always one place to go.
As a teenager all I can think about is getting out on my own and being independent, and this six days has given me a taste of that. When I get out into the big, bad world I will remember my where I came from and be thankful that I have somewhere my heart belongs. In seeking my independence, I may find that somewhere else is where I should be, but for now my home is where I've grown up. Understanding and appreciating your roots is a building block of gaining independence, and I'm glad I've learned this early on.

Walk-in Friendship

Walter Winchell, an American newspaper and radio commentator, once said, "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." I have to agree with Winchell. It seems that people always walk in and out of my life, but the people I consider my real friends are always there for me. My experiences so far have shown me that some people are not always going to stick around through hardships. Life can get difficult and nobody can deal with it completely alone. I always put up a tough front, because I've been through a lot and I want to deal with what life deals me, but I couldn't have made it through the worst without my friends. I love my friends and I hope they all know how much I appreciate them.

Where are you Christmas?

Does anyone else not feel the Christmas spirit? I feel like all of the good things that made Christmas are slowly disappearing. Before we know it, Christmas will be extinct. Whether that's the religious aspect or even Santa, it will slowly die off and have no meaning other than presents.

Instead of holiday cheer, there's greed and selfishness. Some (not all) children I know are focused on getting what they want, though it's not always children. What is up with "keep Christ in Christmas"? It's selfish to other religions who do celebrate Christmas purely for the cheer and love it brings. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but who isn't getting tired of pushy religious people saying things that ruin your opinion of them? I am for sure.

I'm Sorry to inform you, but Christmas isn't all about presents or all about Christ. To some people, Christmas is about being with friends and family. It's about caring about people and being generous. I used to love the holidays, but this year so many people have been rude to me, it makes for a disappointing end of the year. In the end, I hope to preserve some kind of Christmas spirit for my children someday. When I have children, I want them to experience the love and good feeling Christmas always had for me.

Lost

I feel lost. I'm dancing around dizzily with confusion. What am I going to do? Who am I going to be? What's the best decision for me? And what's with all these secrets lately? I don't like secrets, I never have. I love him. I know that because I always have, it never changed. I just don't like keeping it a secret.

This year has been rough for friendships. Honestly, only a few have passed the challenges. Now I'm being spied on and its starting an information war. I don't want anything to do with it. It feels like I have to watch my back, more so my mouth. If I say one thing, it could trigger the bomb that starts the big war. I hardly trust anyone and it's exhausting. When am I ever going to feel safe? I don't feel physically safe or emotionally safe. This is preposterous and I want an end to it. Unfortunately, I feel this is hardly close to over. I'm willing to let it all go and move on, but I doubt she is. The immaturity is absurd and I'm not going to play into it.

I've had a bad year, thus I've learned a lot. I'm not willing to jeopardize my mental health for some immature girl. I will not play your game and I will not let you hurt me. This is not fun and you should grow up.

Moving Forward

I have so much on my mind, it's racing with thoughts and I'm not sure where to begin. It's a dizzying feeling, with so many things pushing to be top thought. You know, I feel like people don't listen to me the majority of the time. Is it that my problems are slightly less important, or are they so arrogant that they can only focus on themselves? Why should I give you the time of day when I don't matter to you? That's right, I'm the bigger person. I won't refuse to listen to you, if and when you want to talk. I guess this would explain why I have to blog and write in a journal. It's more for me than anything. Don't get me wrong, I'd be tickled pink if my blog touched lives and helped inspire somebody.

Second on the list, I am so afraid of getting hurt, it's not even funny. At one little sign of a possibility, I'm ready to retreat behind my wall. I've been hurt so many times and I know that love comes at a price. Love is always worth the price we pay, but that doesn't make my fear any less. Sometimes I think too much about the situation and automatically assume that something bad is going to happen, that I'm working on. There is a happy medium, and I will find it.

The last thing I want to write about is another kind of fear. I've been through a lot this year and I want to push forward. I've made it this far and nothing would make me feel worse than to slip backwards. Since the issue (we'll just keep it at that) was resolved, or so I thought, I felt like massive weights had been lifted off of my shoulders. Now there is a possibility the issue may come back, and I'm honestly scared. I don't want fear to control my life again, and I'm trying hard to keep it from doing so. I just got keep on moving forward.