Hidden Heart

Robert Frost, one of my favorite poets, once said "Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." I definitely understand this, because I've built walls (fences). Walls are great for one thing: keeping yourself locked in. Sure, I see the benefits of being well protected and keeping yourself from feeling too attached or too vulnerable, but there are so many disadvantages. I'm starting to think it's not worth it.

First, locking yourself in also keeps everyone else out. That's obvious, but what you don't realize is that keeping others out, may push them away. It may be unintentional, but they may feel that by being kept out they can't connect to you. As you can see, this is a hindrance on relationships/friendships.

Second, you're hurting yourself. I know that I don't want to end up alone and by hiding behind walls, I could very well end up that way. Plus, walls don't allow true feeling. What's life without a little risk, anyway? Isn't love and friendship worth it in the end?

I feel that by hiding your heart behind walls is ridiculous. I get scared, but I want to take a chance because there is so much I'm missing if I don't. I've been hurt and I know the feeling of "I'm never letting that happening again." That's no way to live, so I'm going to work at it. We can't always be safe, but in the end loving and being hurt is so much better than not ever loving.

Letter to an Amazing Guy

Cameron,

What do I contribute? What is my purpose? These questions are complicated, but I strive to find some kind of answer. I was posed a similar question last night and I can't get it off my mind.

In P.S. I Love you, Gerard Butler says "Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends." Meeting you changed life as I knew it. Life is different now; it's better. You make me feel safe, even if it's just a scary movie or facing my greatest fear. I know I can count on you to protect me, to be there for me, and to make me happy. You give me so much without even realizing it.

I love how you and I have enough similar interests, but also enough differences to make it work. Being with you feels right. Depending on anyone is scary, because of what I've been through, but it's a risk I'm willing to take now. The truth is you mean a lot to me and I don't want that to change. I hope that our paths continue to intertwine together for awhile, because ultimately we both contribute to each other a lot by providing introspection and learning about one another.

For such a complex question, this hardly feels like enough words, though every word I've said is true. Every time I think about you, I realize that our song by Ben Folds is right, "I am the luckiest."

Yours truly,

Ashley