Where are you Christmas?

Does anyone else not feel the Christmas spirit? I feel like all of the good things that made Christmas are slowly disappearing. Before we know it, Christmas will be extinct. Whether that's the religious aspect or even Santa, it will slowly die off and have no meaning other than presents.

Instead of holiday cheer, there's greed and selfishness. Some (not all) children I know are focused on getting what they want, though it's not always children. What is up with "keep Christ in Christmas"? It's selfish to other religions who do celebrate Christmas purely for the cheer and love it brings. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but who isn't getting tired of pushy religious people saying things that ruin your opinion of them? I am for sure.

I'm Sorry to inform you, but Christmas isn't all about presents or all about Christ. To some people, Christmas is about being with friends and family. It's about caring about people and being generous. I used to love the holidays, but this year so many people have been rude to me, it makes for a disappointing end of the year. In the end, I hope to preserve some kind of Christmas spirit for my children someday. When I have children, I want them to experience the love and good feeling Christmas always had for me.

Lost

I feel lost. I'm dancing around dizzily with confusion. What am I going to do? Who am I going to be? What's the best decision for me? And what's with all these secrets lately? I don't like secrets, I never have. I love him. I know that because I always have, it never changed. I just don't like keeping it a secret.

This year has been rough for friendships. Honestly, only a few have passed the challenges. Now I'm being spied on and its starting an information war. I don't want anything to do with it. It feels like I have to watch my back, more so my mouth. If I say one thing, it could trigger the bomb that starts the big war. I hardly trust anyone and it's exhausting. When am I ever going to feel safe? I don't feel physically safe or emotionally safe. This is preposterous and I want an end to it. Unfortunately, I feel this is hardly close to over. I'm willing to let it all go and move on, but I doubt she is. The immaturity is absurd and I'm not going to play into it.

I've had a bad year, thus I've learned a lot. I'm not willing to jeopardize my mental health for some immature girl. I will not play your game and I will not let you hurt me. This is not fun and you should grow up.

Moving Forward

I have so much on my mind, it's racing with thoughts and I'm not sure where to begin. It's a dizzying feeling, with so many things pushing to be top thought. You know, I feel like people don't listen to me the majority of the time. Is it that my problems are slightly less important, or are they so arrogant that they can only focus on themselves? Why should I give you the time of day when I don't matter to you? That's right, I'm the bigger person. I won't refuse to listen to you, if and when you want to talk. I guess this would explain why I have to blog and write in a journal. It's more for me than anything. Don't get me wrong, I'd be tickled pink if my blog touched lives and helped inspire somebody.

Second on the list, I am so afraid of getting hurt, it's not even funny. At one little sign of a possibility, I'm ready to retreat behind my wall. I've been hurt so many times and I know that love comes at a price. Love is always worth the price we pay, but that doesn't make my fear any less. Sometimes I think too much about the situation and automatically assume that something bad is going to happen, that I'm working on. There is a happy medium, and I will find it.

The last thing I want to write about is another kind of fear. I've been through a lot this year and I want to push forward. I've made it this far and nothing would make me feel worse than to slip backwards. Since the issue (we'll just keep it at that) was resolved, or so I thought, I felt like massive weights had been lifted off of my shoulders. Now there is a possibility the issue may come back, and I'm honestly scared. I don't want fear to control my life again, and I'm trying hard to keep it from doing so. I just got keep on moving forward.

Endings only lead to new beginnings

Today is my last day of summer. I'm very familiar with the whole back to school/end of summer kind of thing. This year it feels a bit different. This is my last summer as a high school student. It's scary to think about, but also exciting. All good things must come to an end. The brighter side is one door closes to another open door. After high school is college, a new chapter in my life.

It's time to start taking responsibility for everything. It scares me, but thinking about the Independence and the fun I'm going to have makes up for it. Growing up is scary, but we all have to do it. It's not the ending, it's only the beginning.

How much more?

I've had it to my wits end with rude people. First, there are things called manners. I figured this was a given, simple social skill which people just acquired after enough time around other people. Wrong. It seems some of my family have not learned what manners are. It drives me crazy!

Second, what gives someone the right to be totally impolite and say such hurtful things and rude comments? "Why are you here?" Since when did you own this house, which you are visiting in? Since when is it okay to make me feel unwanted and be rude? I don't have to be nice and I don't have to visit, next time I won't bother.

Third, I do speak my mind. This does not make me a "heartless bitch." But thank you for trying to understand me. By the way, you fail. By stating the truth that a family member has done a lot of damage to my self-esteem and has been nasty to me, doesn't make me a bitch. I only said what everyone else thought and was afraid to say. I know how I feel and I'm not going to hide it. I've worked way too hard to get to the point I don't bottle it all up.

Lastly, I'm done. If I get pushed away further, then so be it. I am not willing to keep trying and failing. I'm tired of this one step forward, two steps back.

Jason St. John

Jason, you had a great idea for a post, but I thought maybe I'd write about you instead. See Jason has been one of my biggest supporters for quite awhile. He's kept up on the stuff I read and given me feedback. Jason is quite an inspiration himself. He's had a hard life, but he's kept on pushing through and he's aiming to get better. That's something to be proud of.
Everyone's lives are hard in one way or another. Jason has proven he can handle what he's given in life and I have to say that inspires me. He is one of my best friends. I can tell him anything and he listens and helps. We have had our ups and downs, but in the end we've managed to stay friends. I wish we were closer and that he also lived closer, but I can deal with how things are now.
Jason, you always make me smile no matter what. I love how you always know just what to say to make me feel better. Best friends forever. =]

Just haven't met you yet

I know all my posts lately have to do with relationships and love and blah.... but that's what has been on my mind a lot. Maybe I watch too many chick flicks and read too many Nicholas Sparks' books.... if there's such a thing. But here's the thing, I feel like love doesn't just happen. It's not like whoa did you see that guy, he's the one. Love at first sight... hoax! I'm pretty sure it's liketrust and it has to be built over time.

Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet? Like Michael Bublé's lyrics "I might have to wait, I'll never give up I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life," I think I'll let fate lead the way. I'm not going to try to find my "prince charming." So stop waiting for the perfect guy to walk into your life and do what you wanna do. I say that when it's right you'll find the love you hoped you'd find. So don't stress about it and keep your options open. If it helps dream about whoever you want and that too-perfect-to-be-real romance we all wish could be true. Love is crazy, as is life. Let's live it to the fullest and love will eventually come our way.

Don't wanna be a broken-hearted fool

Relationships. What is it that people are scared of? What am I afraid of? I think the thought of giving my heart again is pretty scary on its own. Once you've been really hurt, it's hard to subject yourself to the same possibility. Since the big, bad break-up I've kept closer tabs on my heart and who I might want to give it to. I have only been in one relationship since then and that didn't last long for reasons of its own. I don't always feel like I want to date someone. I'm afraid to commit my heart and get hurt. But that's the problem, not the solution. If I open up, I could give someone a chance.
Love is taking risks, even if it means putting your heart on the line. I think I need to stop being a pansy and take down my walls. Walls are only for two things; keeping yourself locked up and keeping others out. Neither are good for relationships. I want to find someone I can call my best friend and my boyfriend. Someone I trust completely and makes me want to take down my walls. I'm strong and I can make it work if willing. I suppose this is the first step towards that. I wish the rest of you the best of luck with your "love lives."

Take an inch, I'll give you a mile

I've always been the one to try really hard to make things work out perfectly. This eventually leads to disappointment and frustration. I make plans, but they never work. I'm to the point where I just say "fuck it!" Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal.
And for friendships... you know who you are. I'm done with trying so hard to make our friendship work. I'm done giving effort that in the end is wasted. "We never hang out." To hell with that and you, I tried. I give up on this because friendships or any relationships are two sided. It should be 50/50. I feel like its 80/20. And you aren't giving the 80%.
I'm not a quitter, I never have been. I always try my best and I'm a go-getter, but this just doesn't work for me. I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. This isn't a failure, it's doing what's best for me. That's okay with me, I'll deal with it. I have better friends anyway, meaning I don't need you. Have a great life. =]

The Little Things

Everything seems like such a big deal, life is busy and too often we miss things. You know what I'm talking about, it's those little things that make life that much better. In relationships I don't care about the big romantic gestures, those mean nothing compared to the little things. What is a box of chocolates or a dozen roses compared to a note written just so you know they're thinking of you? I mean it is the thought that counts.... but honestly it means more to me if you just think about me without spending money. But now I've kind of gotten off topic...
Anyway, today I remembered how much nature and music means to me. It took one of my random rants about how much I love them, for that "Ah ha!" moment. So I was talking to my friend Matt and he mentioned writing about storms and I couldn't think of why I haven't. I love them, there's just no other explanation. They're awesome! Nature is amazing and its beautiful, but people just take it for granted. We should protect it and we should pay attention to its beauty. I don't need to get off on a rant about recycling, reducing, and reusing. I'm pretty sure I've probably blogged about that... knowing me. heh...
As for music, it's my life. I can't imagine life without it. Almost all the time I have music playing because it just makes life better. It helps me think, it makes me feel better, it's magical. And I play the violin, that's something I can get passionate about no matter what kind of mood I'm in. It helps with everything.
And this is my rant for tonight. I'm hoping to write a poem and post it soon, so stay tuned! And thanks to everyone who reads! =]

Sweet success

We all have dreams, goals, and aspirations, but sometimes its hard to accomplish them. I think that is what makes success taste even sweeter. There are always mountains to climb and objects that appear in the middle of our paths. You can either conquer them and occasionally go around them. I think its best to face it head on. When you finally get where you're going the struggles turn into strength. It sometimes seems that what we strive for is impossible, but it is truly impossible for those who believe it. Life is like a deck of cards, it doesn't matter what cards you're dealt, because you will get good and bad ones. It only matters is how you handle them.

Update! =]

So, it's been too long since I've blogged. A lot has happened. 2010 started out pretty rough, but I think things are finally looking up for me. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want in life. As of now, that is.
I survived the hardest year of high school, Junior year.... yikes! I survived losing my boyfriend and several friends this year. (As it turns out, being single is sometimes better anyway.) I survived having a gun held to my neck, though it caused anxiety and fear, I dealt with it. I've faced some of my biggest nightmares, held my head up high, and kept going. I am strong.
I wish that everyone could understand how great this feels. It is hard, but life is a deck of cards, you have to handle the ones you're dealt no matter how difficult they are. Life is what you make of it. If you think its too hard to deal with then it is incredibly difficult to handle. If you think you can get through anything, you will. Just remember that anyone can set their mind, putting it into action is something totally different.

Changes

I know I've been slacking, but I've just had so much going on. It seems like a lot of it has been bad. Knowing me, I tally it quite well. Does that make me pessimistic or realistic? It sure is strange how my mind changes from optimistic, trusting thoughts to thoughts that struggle between optimistic and pessimistic. Some of my old blogs are weird to read, because some of my opinions have changed, my writing is a tad bit different, and the way I think now is different.
Isn't it funny how just a few years changes almost everything. Then again, just a few moments change time. Also, just a few experiences change your mind. I'm going through this teenage stage and aspects of my life do nothing but change. Some day I want to look back and be able to say that my teen days made me who I am, and that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. All it takes is making it through the few more years I have left of high school and teenage life. Until then I must go on.