Moving Forward

I have so much on my mind, it's racing with thoughts and I'm not sure where to begin. It's a dizzying feeling, with so many things pushing to be top thought. You know, I feel like people don't listen to me the majority of the time. Is it that my problems are slightly less important, or are they so arrogant that they can only focus on themselves? Why should I give you the time of day when I don't matter to you? That's right, I'm the bigger person. I won't refuse to listen to you, if and when you want to talk. I guess this would explain why I have to blog and write in a journal. It's more for me than anything. Don't get me wrong, I'd be tickled pink if my blog touched lives and helped inspire somebody.

Second on the list, I am so afraid of getting hurt, it's not even funny. At one little sign of a possibility, I'm ready to retreat behind my wall. I've been hurt so many times and I know that love comes at a price. Love is always worth the price we pay, but that doesn't make my fear any less. Sometimes I think too much about the situation and automatically assume that something bad is going to happen, that I'm working on. There is a happy medium, and I will find it.

The last thing I want to write about is another kind of fear. I've been through a lot this year and I want to push forward. I've made it this far and nothing would make me feel worse than to slip backwards. Since the issue (we'll just keep it at that) was resolved, or so I thought, I felt like massive weights had been lifted off of my shoulders. Now there is a possibility the issue may come back, and I'm honestly scared. I don't want fear to control my life again, and I'm trying hard to keep it from doing so. I just got keep on moving forward.

Self Sabotage

Self sabotage, why do I do it? Why does anyone? Sometimes I get to a point and I just can't sleep, like right now. I get to thinking about stuff and can't stop. Then I worry about it; how is this going to turn out? What if I make this decision? What if I chicken out? That's when the sabotage begins. I dwell... and dwell... and you guessed it, dwell some more. I take forever to make my decisions sometimes and in the end it hurts me more. Sometimes taking forever helps me know that it's right, but it's still hard.

Another way I sabotage myself is when I go through a break up (or think about one) all I want to do is watch chick flicks like The Notebook, The Wedding Date, and Sweet Home Alabama. I listen to break up songs and sometimes I listen to love songs. It gives me some weird hope of finding that someday. I'm just setting myself up to see/hear something so romantic and here I am crying my eyes out over a break up.

I really don't know any other way to make myself feel better, except for writing it all down. You've probably figured out what made me write this and what's keeping me up at such an early hour. It's a hard thing to do and it does deserve some thought. Honestly, I have to say that I probably have given this too much thought. I've been taking my time and consequently I have to deal with that.